High everyone and welcome to the
little flaming pisswagon that I call my sad excuse for a website. It is April,
and that means many things. None of them have to do with the rash on my area.
No April means that 4/20 will soon
be here, and unless you're a big Hitler or Columbine shooting fan, 4/20 is a time
to call off work, school, probation hearing, etc., and smoke so much pot that
you are pulled into a THC-induced introspective nightmare in which you realize
just how goddamn ludicrous it is to have a friggin holiday for marijuana. But
it sure is fun.
April also means the celebration of
the 20th year of my existence. 20 years spent wondering what the
hell it all means. I’ve discovered many things on my journey, including the
following 20 things:
1.
No matter how many times you have sex, it never gets old.
2.
Smoking crack is not a cool thing to do. I’m sorry. It’s not. Call me
old-fashioned.
3.
Eating crack...also not cool.
4.
In fact, most things involving the word crack are not cool. Unless your
talking about crackers. In that case, Ritz crackers are the best, due to their
delicious flavor and versatility, followed right behind by Cheez-It’s and Club
crackers.
5.
Change never just happens, it is a slow, gradual process. But after it
happens, and you look back, you realize that the Belgian prostitute you fell in
love with on the Greyhound was actually a man, so now I guess technically your
gay.
6.
People look fatter on TV.
7.
People look dumber when they are drunk, but people look sexier when you
are drunk.
8.
Most people are really stupid, and most of these people are also your
friends.
9.
Every once in awhile, when you are really drunk and you take a piss, it
feels better than sex.
10. If you flip the shower water to
cold right before you orgasm when your jerking off in the shower, you ejaculate
pure adrenaline.
11. Old people are slow and dumb.
Unless they’re your grandparents.
12.
I’m more likely to win a fucking Pulitzer prize then to get a blowjob
from my girlfriend.
13. When people say they’ll call, they usually
won’t.
14. Old black men are usually fun to talk to.
15. I’m more likely to join the goddamn priesthood
then to get a blowjob from my girlfriend. Sorry this one really is ticking me
off. I mean, come on! Is it too much to ask? I go down on her! Not my favorite
thing to do..but it’s my duty. I mean, I’m not talkin breakfast, lunch, and
dinner! Maybe just once a month or something. You don’t gotta swallow! I’ll
squirt it on a towel for Christ’s sake! Anyway.
16. Blowjobs are great.
17. Water in Florida tastes like
rhino ass.
18. Getting stoned now will never
be as fun as the first time you ever got stoned. Unless your getting a blowjob
at the same time. Argh.
19. Psychedelic mushrooms and
family reunions don’t mix.
And finally
20. Life is fucked up. One minute
your freezin your balls off on a suburban Cleveland patio in the middle of
winter drinkin beers and bustin your friends balls...next minute your 1200
miles away sweatin your balls off on the deck of your bug infested Florida
apartment drinkin water that tastes like the back sweat off an orangutan and
wondering where the hell your life is going and why the hell your girlfriend
won’t blow you. Heh. Damn one track mind.
Anyway that’s the 20. Next month,
maybe I’ll make another 20. Probably not, because I’m lazy. But at least I’m
honest.
Until next time,
-b
