Back Again

Back again, I hate this place

As the tears freeze halfway down my face

The grey skyline of this empty town

Matches the grey inside and my empty frown

The only thing that seems alive, is the colors of the trees

Each one so full of beauty, like my memories

This car so empty now, her smell is all that lingers

Just moments ago it seems, that my lips were on her fingers

Driving down this very street, the leaves dancing across

Trying hard to hold back tears that gathered up like autumn moss

A sad silence filling up the car, except for one thing

The sweet sound of her voice, and the way that she would sing

As the CD skipped, I got scared, and hoped with all my heart

That she would leave the CD in, and still sing every part

The sound of her voice awakening me, like an early morning shower

Denying to myself, that she’d be gone again in an hour

As the plane takes her home, I’m  alone again

In a cold dark room, just me and a pen

Trying to write something, to make her see

Just how much our memories mean to me

But there isn’t enough paper, or ink on the earth

To express to her, how much she’s worth

Perhaps if she was in my arms, I could explain it with a kiss

Perhaps if she was closer, she wouldn’t have to settle for this

Miles away, half a country apart

So far from me, but close to my heart

Looking out my window, as the clouds cover the moon

Telling myself that I’ll see her soon

As I lie down in this empty bed

The scent of our love still filling my head

Nothing but cold, and an empty space

Back again, I hate this place

The 420 - 20

High everyone and welcome to the little flaming pisswagon that I call my sad excuse for a website. It is April, and that means many things. None of them have to do with the rash on my area.

No April means that 4/20 will soon be here, and unless you're a big Hitler or Columbine shooting fan, 4/20 is a time to call off work, school, probation hearing, etc., and smoke so much pot that you are pulled into a THC-induced introspective nightmare in which you realize just how goddamn ludicrous it is to have a friggin holiday for marijuana. But it sure is fun.

April also means the celebration of the 20^th year of my existence. 20 years spent wondering what the hell it all means. I’ve discovered many things on my journey, including the following 20 things:

1.  No matter how many times you have sex, it never gets old.

2.  Smoking crack is not a cool thing to do. I’m sorry. It’s not. Call me old-fashioned.

3.  Eating crack...also not cool.

4.  In fact, most things involving the word crack are not cool. Unless your talking about crackers. In that case, Ritz crackers are the best, due to their delicious flavor and versatility, followed right behind by Cheez-It’s and Club crackers.

5.  Change never just happens, it is a slow, gradual process. But after it happens, and you look back, you realize that the Belgian prostitute you fell in love with on the Greyhound was actually a man, so now I guess technically your gay.

6.  People look fatter on TV.

7.  People look dumber when they are drunk, but people look sexier when you are drunk.

8.  Most people are really stupid, and most of these people are also your friends.

9.  Every once in awhile, when you are really drunk and you take a piss, it feels better than sex.

10. If you flip the shower water to cold right before you orgasm when your jerking off in the shower, you ejaculate pure adrenaline.

11. Old people are slow and dumb. Unless they’re your grandparents.

12.  I’m more likely to win a fucking Pulitzer prize then to get a blowjob from my girlfriend.

 13. When people say they’ll call, they usually won’t.

 14. Old black men are usually fun to talk to.

 15. I’m more likely to join the goddamn priesthood then to get a blowjob from my girlfriend. Sorry this one really is ticking me off. I mean, come on! Is it too much to ask? I go down on her! Not my favorite thing to do..but it’s my duty. I mean, I’m not talkin breakfast, lunch, and dinner! Maybe just once a month or something. You don’t gotta swallow! I’ll squirt it on a towel for Christ’s sake! Anyway.

16. Blowjobs are great.

17. Water in Florida tastes like rhino ass.

18. Getting stoned now will never be as fun as the first time you ever got stoned. Unless your getting a blowjob at the same time. Argh.

19. Psychedelic mushrooms and family reunions don’t mix.

And finally

           

20. Life is fucked up. One minute your freezin your balls off on a suburban Cleveland patio in the middle of winter drinkin beers and bustin your friends balls...next minute your 1200 miles away sweatin your balls off on the deck of your bug infested Florida apartment drinkin water that tastes like the back sweat off an orangutan and wondering where the hell your life is going and why the hell your girlfriend won’t blow you. Heh. Damn one track mind.

Anyway that’s the 20. Next month, maybe I’ll make another 20. Probably not, because I’m lazy. But at least I’m honest.

Until next time,

-b

Could Have Been

Suggestive glances

Like fire she dances

The greens of her eyes

Her buttermilk thighs

The crimson red lips

Delicate fingertips

Send jolts up my spine

As our souls intertwine

So rare to discover

This feeling towards another

The more we uncover

The more we want each other

But my heart is guilt ridden

For our love is forbidden

The desire stays hidden

Quietly purrs like a kitten

I struggle to keep these feelings inside

As they keep crashing in like a hurricane tide

But I can now clearly see

That we never could be

Separated by fears

And too many years

So I guess how this ends

Is we settle for friends

I give one last hug

To my little ladybug

As we say our goodbyes, she gives me the grin

That will forever remind me, of what could have been

Chemicals

Chemicals push their way through my blood

My mind wants to move but I’m stuck in the mud

It’s hard to distinguish between thought or feeling

Night or day, floor or ceiling

What gives me this desire, this need

to swallow this pill, to smoke this weed?

Is it nature or nurture? Genetic or learned?

Is it in my veins to always be burned?

I don't know, and I don’t care

Cuz life isn't great, or even fair

And it’ll all be over in the blink of an eye

So who gives a fuck, I’ll be stoned till I die

Cloudy Morning Yearning

Another cloudy morning

And an even thicker clouded brain

No matter how much I scrub

I can’t remove the stain

It’s deep into my fibers

like a lesion or a burn

And the only way to heal it

Is to successfully unlearn

Everything about her

From her nose down to her knees

And the way her love would wrap around

Like sap-soaked Christmas trees

Her taste so sweet, so pure

But so hard to forget

Her innocence unyielding

Like my permanent regret

Praying to a God

That never seems to care

That one day I will wake up

And she’ll be laying there

Bounceback

“So you still love her?”

“Of course I still love her. I’ll always love her.”

“Are you sure you love her? I mean, are you absolutely...”

“I’ve never been so sure of something in my entire fucking life.”

“Why do you love her?”

“Why do I love her?”

“Yes, why do you love her? Don't answer a question with another question.”

“There was nothing...not a goddamn thing inside of me that cared about anything before I met her....nothing to live for..nothing to believe in...nothing. Now there's something. She saved me dude...”

“And the sex?”

“And yes, the sex was incredible. But it was because of our intimacy. You can’t have the level of intimacy we had and not have good sex...except for the few times I prematurely showed my intimacy...but those incidents were few and far between.”

“Right, right.”

“Goddamnit, what the hell were we talking about?”

“Your premature ejaculation?”

“No dick, before that.”

“How Rachel saved your life.”

“Yes...she did. And seeing her at that party...”

“You wanted to grab her in romantic embrace and take her back to the days of your carefree romance and boundless affection?”

“Yeah... pretty much. But I resisted. I didn’t even say 'Hi' to her.”

“Yeah, but you were fucking bummed out the rest of the night.”

“Well, what do you expect dude?”

“I dunno man...I know she means a lot to you... but just fucking forget her. There are thousands more women in the world who can make you feel the same way she did, even better. So what's the use in getting hung up over your first love?”

“I’m over her dude. Totally. Just seeing her kinda bummed me out. I mean, lets say you had a dog. Over a couple years, you developed a strong relationship with the dog. Then one day, the dog runs away.”

“Dollar ninety-five”

“So then your walking around a couple months later. You see the dog. How would you feel?”

“Does the dog have a nice ass?”

“Asshole...”

“I know.. I know... I got your point. I understand. But its time to get you a new dog. We're going out tonight...were gonna find you a new bitch.”

“Come on, I gotta study tonight.”

“Ha. You know you can't say no to me. Don't even try. Wear something sexy and I’ll come pick you up at 8. Wear that turtleneck... looks good on you.”

“Faggot.”

“You know you want me.”

Impossible

 

Just a few more sunsets now, and you’ll be gone away

The loneliness has come before but now it’s here to stay

Rays of light inside that only shine when you are near

Impossible to see between the words I’ve written here

And maybe it was wrong to ever fall into your light,

But every time I see you smile I know that it is right.

And although the guilt slowly fades, it always will remain 

Impossible for me to clean betrayal’s ugly stain

I hide behind a facade, in you I do confess, 

I wish I had a fraction of the courage you possess

But when it comes to love for you, I feel it head to toe,

Impossible for anyone to ever really know

Our journeys lie ahead of us, both difficult and long

And even though we’ll be apart, my soul will sing your song

Whatever cards I’m dealt in life, you’ll always be my queen

Impossible to forget our love, despite the space between

And perhaps these days will be the last we ever get to share

For life is not as pleasant as the sweet smell of your hair,

Just remember that a part of you will stay inside my heart,

Impossible for us to ever truly be apart